Good evening, ladies and gents.
My name is Ben and for the next two hours, I will be faithfully recording the events that transpire here on this St Patrick’s Day: 2010. We’ve got a helluva show lined up for all of you. If only you were here to witness it in person. (that’s what we call an Irish guilt trip!)
Taking the stage now: artistic director John Ring, laying down the rules in a (good?) Irish accent. Oooh, new rule! There’s wet paint on the walls surrounding the stage. Watch out, world!
And here comes the rest of the cast! Adam, Beth, Jimmy, Daniel and Oscar Van Pudding! God, they look so hot right now. You should really be here to see it (TWO guilt trips!) Oh my, and it appears there’s drinking on-stage during the first half. That’s unprecedented! Happy St. Pat’s to you, Internet!
Next up–Beth and Daniel telling how it’s done–affirmatively, with a many big Yeses. And now Jimmy is teaching us how to drink–this is adorable! Everybody in the audience is getting just a little tipsy.
And now OVP and Adam are telling us the FEATURED AUDIENCE MEMBER is JACKIE K! Wooooo! As a long-time supporter, I say it’s about damn time Jackie got picked.
Here are some words that describe Jackie: Norwood MA, North Carolina, Catholic private school, duck-n-run, apologetic, potentially bully-ish though redemptive, pal=Cameron, dramatic, thespian, Lucy in You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown (Cam was Snoopy), motivation for a script, “two birthday’s ago…”, “let’s just go to New York!”
First game: SHORTCUTS. Truth be told: I never played it, and I didn’t really catch the rules, so here’s a fast fact, courtesy of Wikipedia:
Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov (1844–1908) was a Russian composer, and a member of the group of composers known as The Five. He was a master oforchestration. His best-known orchestral compositions—Capriccio Espagnol, the Russian Easter Festival Overture, and the symphonic suiteScheherazade—are considered staples of the classical music repertoire, along with suites and excerpts from some of his 15 operas.
WHAAA??? The scene on-stage was just as random, I assure you.
I just have to add, as the author tonight, that there’s is this weird-ass sculpture next to me and the door. It’s a weird jellyfish made up of those heavy plastic strips you find over a commercial walk-in freezer doors. Anyhow, it’s all artsy and stuff, but it smells like plastic death. Contact high jokes aside, it’s slowly killing me.
Next game: 60-30-10. A game where the scene must get faster each time we see it: a sixty-second scene becomes a thirty-second scene becomes a ten-second scene. WHAAA??? First up, Jimmy and Cam ponder the ethics and virtues of duck hunting. Good god, there are so many bad Irish accents tonight. 152 minutes left to the day–get in those accents while you can, folks!
Whoa! John Ring comes in as a dog–a real dog, not one of those silly, Pinocchio dogs.
Round Two!
I have transformed into Jimmy…Jackie gives us Cuckooland as some inspiration…cookie! coconuts! making out!
And I’m back to being Ben. Phew, that was odd, but the making out was hot.
Third game: TYPEWRITER!
The prompt: “Snookie” is a “pooper-scooper” but today’s she’s also trying to “get punched in the face.” Lots of drunk anger from parts of audience tonight–though everyone seems to love the idea.
Lessons learned: OVP makes an odd gym teacher. You’re never too old for prom. And coherent language is for the birds. Especially if it’s language about birds. Snookie is not so good with words or birds. Special children should stay away from bird watching. Metaphorical punches to the nose = marriage?
Round Two!
This time, the typewriter conceit is more of a bedtime story. Jackie plays the child and John Ring plays the part of the older male presence (why typecast yourself, JR?) The prompt: Xanadu. The relationship: Master & Servant. The object: Friend.
Lessons learned: John is a creeeepy older male presence. Don’t pick the roses! And the rainbow flag is flown most everywhere these days–that’s good. Rhyming = in. Jackie as a child is way too smart. Are there no workhouses? Uppity children. I swear, we give you a FAM inch and you take an “I’m literate and you’re not” mile. Oh, but this is rich–Jackie is literate, but she is intolerant to the fact that two men in love–in 2010–could adopt! Well, isn’t that something–sheesh!
In all seriousness: great scene.
Last game of this half: IRISH DRINKING SONG! God have mercy on our non-Irish souls!
Jackie joins us for Round One. The prompt: a camera! Jackie lands her punchline very well (have to redeem myself after giving her shit during the last game)… and it appears she’s the only one to land a punch. Double kudos!
Round Two: The prompt: the end of the week! Much more coherent–wins all around, lovelies!
AND THAT’S INTERMISSION! See you in 15!
And we’re back with HOT SEAT. I would’ve started blogging this sooner but Jackie had to check her Facebook. True story. I’m telling you–FAM’s these days. Anyhow, the game is going along nicely. People are sitting and then standing upon gross or excessive prompt. And Adam wins Round One!
Round Two is even faster! Jimmy takes the cake! Go rounds, everyone!
Next up: SHOPKEEPER!
OVP is keeping shop. Problems include: toilet paper whose dye stains your tookus, a teddy bear that has a crazy tongue, and a telephone that electrocutes.
OVP enters like a lion and… helps Jimmy with his phone is good measure (great customer service, Oscar!), skitters a bit on Daniel’s leaky toilet paper (not all paper products are the same, friend), and quickly saves the day with audience volunteer Mary and her scary teddy.
Next game: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY! It’s a game of advice, and what did we learn?
Sell your worst stories to Fox, live with two ex-es and sleep with them both on alternating days, ATM’s are easy to rob if you can run fast, hitchhiking is fun, hookers are never a good idea, molded spheres of paint are useful when you work with cannons, cougars distract house guests from uppity dogs, don’t marry… ever, cougars have giant mouths.
Well done, team!
Last game of the night: SPACE JUMP. It’s a game of scenes growing and shrinking and here we go:
Prompt: Sheep. Sobbing on the phone UP TO father’s leaving UP TO “We’re unionizing!” UP TO dysfunctional family photo UP TO human shooting gallery DOWN TO Kermit’s your photographer? DOWN TO Unionizing is Funionizing DOWN TO the most upset wife and the most despondent child… ever DOWN TO licking teddies!
Round Two! I was in it. No time, therefore, to record it. But trust me: epic.
Encore! One last round of IRISH DRINKING SONG about gingers. You can guess the joke. They were mostly Lucille Ball based.
Thanks for reading, everyone! AND SCENE!
