Welcome to another exciting edition of He Said, She Said, the only advice column that leaves more questions than answers. Let’s get crackin’!

“Dear Erin & Ryan,

How do you tell a platonic male friend that you love him without making it weird?”

From Ryan:

Well it really all depends, now doesn’t it? Are you a man or a woman? If you are a woman, it’s a pretty cut and dry situation. The main issue tends to be that the friendship being maintained is more important than seeking something romantic. However it is possible as long as you take your time. While your feelings might be overwhelming, you don’t want to bombard your friend with them. Taking something to the next level is fine when you go one step at a time. Start with casual get-togethers and work your way from there. It’s a huge leap from friends to love, so find those levels in between to guide you.

Who am I kidding? This is a dude asking this, isn’t it? Wonderful. Alright, sir, so you want to go from bro to lover, eh? First let me start by saying that there is nothing wrong with this. You should be who you are and I commend you for claiming your identity in open society. Let the flag of you wave proud. However, you are going to have an uphill climb if your significant bro doesn’t see you as a liaison of passion, not to mention if he thinks your beard will tickle while necking.

No matter how cautious you are in approaching your artificially-bronzed comrade, things could very much get awkward. The key in this situation is that you will need to seriously leave your comfort zone, as in “update your passport” leave. You need to consider venturing into areas so unmentionable that society might respond in a crescendo with a unified face-palm. Legal, of course, but chimp-on-a-blimp bonkers. For instance, burst into your bro’s dorm room wearing nothing but a neon g-string, gyrating as if a small bronco was trying to throw you into the air, screaming “Yo, yo, I love my bro” over and over again. Or perhaps you fill his car with cartons of milk and leave a picture of you in a kitten costume on the windshield, marked with the phrase “Won’t you give this kitten a home?” If your imagination runs free, the possibilities are endless.

The fact is, no matter what, it’s going to get weird. So you might as well go all out.

And I love you too, Jamie Dufault.

From Erin:

Now, when you say “love” I am going to assume you mean “want to make out with” because telling a friend that you are in love with them is ill advised. Have you ever seen that show “Friendzone” on MTV? It is one of the most horrific displays of humiliation and despair. And this from the same channel that created Jersey Shore…

But I digress.

Ladies, please follow the following handy checklists when trying to get all up on that dude:

1. Moderate cleavage. MODERATE. Think somewhere right in between church cleavage and pasties. Under no circumstances are turtlenecks or exposed nipples an option.

2. Check your pulse. Do you have one? Good enough.

This is the extent of my knowledge. If you’re trying to get me to tell you how to get into a relationship you have come to the wrong girl. Seriously, it’s like looking at directions from IKEA. Maybe I need to be more lady like? Whatever, I’ll get to it after I level up again in Skyrim.

Dear Erin & Ryan,

I am in love with Jacob Black, but I am a vampire, and he is a werewolf. Can we make a relationship work?”

From Erin:

Young, supernatural love can be a tricky but beautiful thing. You are undead, he smells of wet dog every time it rains, but there are distinct possibilities here. For example, the two of you will have bonding experiences other couples can only dream of, like discarding a body together. One of you paired with a normal human might lead to difficulties with regard to quality time, but let’s face it; you both know you’re best suited for the nightlife. Provided you can both convince your friends and family to avoid any silver plated wedding gift the two of you can look forward to decades of marital bliss.
This would be my advice to any run of the mill supes looking for love. However, I don’t think you fall in to this category. You sparkle. This is ridiculous. BUT if I am correct in my analysis of the question, you are implying a love between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. So I can only assume your real question is something more like, “can you please write me some hot dude on dude Twilight fanfic?” The answer is, sadly (or luckily) not. I do not believe that we here at Bring Your Own Improv carry the kind of legal coverage to thwart the Stephanie Meyer machine.

Let’s talk for a moment however about something I don’t understand about the Twilight series. No, not “the entire thing”… I happen to have the soul of a 13 year old girl and I read them all, so shut it. What I want to point out specifically is how through all the books Jacob was totally balls about Bella and hated Edward and we come to understand at the end that it is because he is destined to imprint on her un-born baby. (Yeah, really.) My question is, if he was in love with Bella because of her eggs, shouldn’t he have been equally enamored of Edward’s junk? Now THERE is some stellar fanfic.

Word.

From Ryan:

Congratulations, Erin. Once again you completely ignore the root of the problem. But hey, at least you’re a consistent little turd. Now run along and read some more of your fantasy smut.

I don’t know if this is “Bella” or “Edward”, but let’s put this in perspective: how the hell are you going to achieve something like love? Seriously? You’re a vampire that sparkles in daylight. You are not intimidating let alone a true vampire. Real vampires stay asleep during the day so they can spend their whole night biting into victims for their blood. They take innocent nubile women and change them into fanged temptresses that suddenly have employment in a local brothel. But you? You look like you took a sponge-bath in glitter, which we all know is the herpes of the arts and crafts world.

Why do I berate you so? Well, for one thing it makes me feel great. But more importantly, it is to make you realize that you should have no self-respect. Clearly you made some deal with the occult to make your way into the psyche of popular culture, when really those putrid piles of week-old meat disguised as books should be gathering dust near the Harlequin novels. How can you hope to love someone else or gain their love when you really shouldn’t love who you are? Sorry, but it ain’t happening. And no army of screaming fan-girls will change that. Fix yourself first before ruining someone else’s life.

And for your information, Jacob is a shapeshifter, not a werewolf.